The Anti-Freedom

Some people that I have met on my journeys (especially those living in the United States...) have never gone further than a few hours away from their home base. Let me tell you now that these people have every right to stay within a certain distance of their home if they so desire, and other people actually have little or no choice BUT to stay near their homes for more devastating reasons, but I do not wish to have their life. I need to travel, it is something within my circuitry, and it lives within the blood being transported within my veins. It clings onto each cell like haemoglobin*.

Having said that, dear LORD is it difficult to travel in and out of places sometimes! It's extremely different to leave or enter Saudi Arabia, as many people who have lived/tried to live here know. This is because of two pieces of documentation that need to be settled, and you need money, wasta (influence/favours) and a lot of patience. Oh man, patience isn't a virtue here, it is an absolute necessity.

I do not work here in Riyadh; I am just a dependant who lives under her parents. This means that leaving the country, especially as a woman, SUCKS. Getting in is another very similar story. Let me explain to you the craziness that you need to go through as a foreigner. As a note, I'd like to say that I do NOT understand the ins and outs of these processes. They do not make much sense to me! They truly wish to make everyone's lives more and more difficult here. That's the best reason I can think of, sometimes. I guess it is really about national security, but damn, it's ridiculous.

First of all, to live/work here, you need to have an iqama. An iqama is like a national ID and it is not allowed to leave the country. Everywhere I go, I need to have my iqama with me. If I don't have it, and a government official or someone who is a part of the religious police force here can get me into serious trouble.

Second of all, in order to exit, enter, or have permission to exit and enter several times during a one year period, you need to have a visa - the one that I have currently is a one year exit re-entry visa. Sounds nice and poetic, doesn't it?! It means that within one year of leaving, I can enter the country within one year. This is a piece of paper that is stapled into your passport. It looks really ghetto and whenever you go to a different country, they open it up and look at it with a complete "what the fuck" expression on their face. It looks really shoddy, but it is official. You just have to tell

Here's the third and funny part: in order to get you a visa, you need to surrender to the office a passport, your iqama, and other things that I didn't bother to ask my Dad about. Do you realise what this means? I don't think you do yet, so here's a little breakdown:

a. You need your iqama to go anywhere. When they take it away for their strange black magic visa-granting rituals, guess what? I can't go anywhere. They give one letter to a family that states something along the lines of "These people are being processed for visas, sooooo they don't have their iqamas. It's totally cool, man. Salaaaaaamu-alaikum, brutha!" Well, no, they don't talk like my Islamic bruthas**. I wish they did; Saudi Arabia would be a much easier place to live in.
Also, you cannot leave the city of Riyadh, where the visa is being issued. Awwww, my dreams of getting my awesome driver to take me to Dammam are ruined (for now)!

b. If there is one letter for the whole family, then I cannot go anywhere without my father (as the letter is in his possession). Even if my Dad said "Heyyyy take this letter and go to Faisaliah mall and have a BALL, my dear! My treat!!***" It would suck for him, because what if he randomly needs to go somewhere and needs his iqama, like in an emergency?
Also, what if that letter gets lost? Ohhhhh man. Don't even talk about that.

c. This whole process takes weeks. IF you have wasta, I mean. If you don't, haaaahahahaha! Good luck, yaar****! This means weeks (or more) of complete dependence on whoever ends up holding that letter.

d. No passport? I freak out without knowing where my passport is. For me, it's like a wallet, cell phone, iPod, or laptop - whenever I travel, these are the things I NEED by my side! I constantly heck my bags to make sure all of these things are in there, safe and secure. Knowing these strange guys have their paws all over my passport is personally irritating! Also, they put a big ugly orange sticker on my passport and it looks bad. :( In combination with the ghetto stapling, this SUCKS! My passport must look SO suspicious, and with my Muslim first name, strange "ethnic" looks, I don't need any more of that while travelling!

e. When I say everyone in the family, including all dependants with residency, need to be there, they ALL need to be there. Hence my visiting Riyadh every summer whether I liked it or not. I usually had to be there for at least 3 weeks. Although I didn't mind going back to Riyadh during the summer, I wish I had a choice. I remember being extremely angry and resentful for the decision of the summer already being made for me by a country that wasn't even mine. Damn.

Oh, LORD. Now, another thing they have added to this process is that they need to have proof I am leaving for a year to go study. Apparently, if I feel like spending a year in the steppes of Mongolia, finding spiritual peace, TOO BAD! I need a letter from some official something something that I am going to an institution to study. My acceptance letter to the university I am going to counts, and I also needed to show some kind of school ID, which would help. Uh, let's see: I am about to start a NEW school, in a NEW place, and they expect me to already have my ID card? Do these people understand how schools work? You only get IDs and all that fancy stuff when you get there. Wow. I gave them my old school ID just in case that helped, but I think that letter was enough.

Lastly, you have to pay. Because I have not gone to the office myself (since I am a dependent) and I have not asked my Dad, I had to look it up on this site and it says 500 riyals for a multiple exit re-entry visa, which is about $133. The single exit re-entry visa is 200 riyals ($53 ish).

Wow! Most of the time, people have trouble only getting into a country for study or work or whatnot, now Saudi, of course, has to take it one miserable step beyond. It's as difficult to get out as it is to get it. Nice job, guys! If you want to stress me out more, give me a call! I have a whole list of things that might help!

Uggggh all of this is giving me a HEADACHE!

Okay, I think it is obvious that this whole visa thing is stressing me out. If I do not get this visa stuff settled, I cannot go to graduate school. Within these past weeks, I have found and paid a deposit on an apartment in Cambridge, MA, where my new university is going to be. I have also become extremely excited at the prospect of starting a new program in Intercultural Relations*****, something I am very passionate about. How on this Earth will I deal with it if Saudi Arabia forces me to stay, now? Finally, after all these days of worrying, I have made a decision to leave by the end of August, but what if destiny has something else in store for me? I only pray that my destiny is not in the hands of a government that seems to dislike making things easy for me.

Like I said earlier, you really, really need to have patience here. Everything is done at a snail's pace, and I heard someone say one that if someone is too insistent, the people supposed to be helping you will back off and say, "when things have calmed down, then we will continue the process." You have to just sit back and let them do their thing, otherwise you could make it much worse. I don't have any power or say in these matters pertaining to my visa, which makes it all the more frustrating, but I have to just deal. There is no other choice right now. It should be okay, from what I have heard, but these past few days have been getting to me.

On the bright side: at least I have more of a path in my life, now! I have more of a plan than I did when I started this here thing. I hope that this plan works out for the best, whatever the best for me is. That said, I'd really like to get to Massachusetts! I'm pretty excited.






*Or should I say oxyhaemoglobin? Thank you, Biology class at Le Bocage!

**Muslim-American bros from the black community in or around NYC are some of the funniest, coolest, and entertaining people I have ever been around. Salaam and chill, y'all! You know I'm a sista. And you know I suck at what you call "dark chocolate muslimah talk" so I'll stop now.

*** I wish! My Dad is awesome and does take me shopping a lot, every weekend actually (because our supermarket is part of a mall that I loooove) but if I could go on a Faisaliah centre shopping spree I'd LOVE to have the retail therapy. And the chance to go somewhere I haven't been in a while.

**** In my recent bouts of insanity due to being stuck in my villa, I have been injecting Mauritian creole and Bollywood phrases into my everyday speech and writing. Dekho, I've been alone with my multilingual thoughts, dakor? [yaar = friend; dekho = look; dakor = okay/alright]

***** Damn, all these footnotes! But really, I know - me doing Intercultural Relations? I seem so annoyed with some places in the world (like Riyadh sometimes), how will I deal? Hmmmm I should write about that some time...

Love vs. Fulfillment vs. Me vs. Almost Everyone Else

There is something I have seen in cultures across the world that disturbs me. It concerns women, but I think it definitely also concerns men, too. This is the question of love and fulfillment.

A beautiful, or sexy, moment - depending on who you ask.

When we watch our heros on TV or on the silver screen swooping the lovely lady into his arms, we sigh. What a gorgeous match! Oh, if only I could have a gorgeous Clark Gable of my own! Or, well, in my case, Shah Rukh Khan of my own. Or, maybe, a Sarah Michelle Gellar of your own if you swing that way.

This here is what I call a kickass babe.

But what are these expectations that we are creating? Yes, there is this idea that films, TV, art, and advertising create these fantasies that we can never have. I completely agree with this. However, that is not what I want to talk about today.

What is much more dangerous, to me, is that media can create a desire for a partner to begin with. Usually, this partnership needs to be heterosexual. We have this thing drilled into our heads that a single lady or man is not a complete lady or man. They are lacking something. One of the components of the American dream is a family with 2.5 kids, we all know that - but then, why do we want this? Why is this so important?

If you really think about it, only thinking about life in terms of finding someone else to complete you really sucks. What kind of self esteem must you have to believe that you are SO incapable of finding happiness for yourself, that you absolutely need a life partner to be truly fulfilled. Are you not an individual with your own individual dreams? Can you not focus on yourself and let love come your way, when and if it comes?

But no, that is not what we do at all - yes, we focus on career but we also go out on blind dates, and feel miserable all alone in that apartment you earned. When you think about a great life, usually you think about someone by your side who can be there to support you. It's the next logical step, if not the FIRST logical step, for some.

Am I saying that this dream of a partner is wrong? No, not at all. I, too, wouldn't mind finding a nice person to spend my life with, if I do find that special someone. However, this dream, if you fulfill it, is not just going to be great and well once you get it. A relationship is work, and the idea of a perfect relationship has become so incredibly skewed.

Is every romance really going to be a picnic for the rest of your life?

This is where my experiences come in. Every country I have been to, I have met too many women who just need to get married or be in some kind of relationship, usually with a man because being with another woman is a no-no. They think constantly of marriage or a perfect man, and if they do get married, they do everything that is possible to keep that marriage alive even if it is really, really not working. I have met men like this too, but for whatever cultural or societal or family-related reasons, it is different. I see guys basically being the ones doing the choosing, while the women are there begging to be chosen. It's kind of sad.

I am making a generalisation here, of course (I have met different kinds of men and women in every place I have been to) but I can think of specific cases in every country where I have seen women who are desperate to "find love" and be "happy" with a new partner. I put "happy" in quotation marks because to them, happy meant a husband with a good job and a desire to have children. That's it. Is that real happiness?

Yay! I am jumping with joy because I will have a nuclear family that is expected of me by society! Yay for fulfilling expectations!

Let me tell you what I have seen in different countries. Maybe this will give you more of idea of what I am thinking of:

U.S.: I see women prettying up and going on dates with several men they consider to be "successful" - like businessmen (these women don't even really know or care to find out what the "business" is or what the men actually do), lawyers, doctors, etc. At a younger age, they should be attractive and fun. At an oler age, they should be "marriage material" or whatever that is. I know someone who dated a guy for two years, and basically became known as "[Guy]'s girlfriend who is a theatre major." Not many people knew much about her besides her name. Neither did I, until she actually broke up with him. Is this the guy's fault? Probably a little. But I still think that depends on a case by case basis - some women are genuinely proud to be "[Senator, Doctor, Lawyer, etc.]'s wife."

Mauritius: Similar to the U.S., girls throw themselves at whatever guy is decent on paper and who says they are in love with them. They get romanced by guys at school, and guys at weddings who are specifically there to sit with their guy friends and look at the pretty, well-dressed ladies. Guys and girls engage in this "wedding courtship" from when they are 14 years old, or even a little earlier. When a guy spots a girl he likes, he tells his parents or another older relative and they go and negotiate with the girl's parents. THEN, they can get engaged and start the dating, if the parents are okay with it. Playing hard to get is usually a sign of "being a girl" - another phrase I have heard that makes little sense to me. Apparently, girls don't give themselves away that easily, but if you are playing hard to get on purpose, then to me you have practically become engaged to the guy. These girls get married very, very young and rarely date more than one guy. If they break up, it is the END OF THE WORLD. Cue tears and Bollywood-style speeches.

Note to girls and guys in Mauritius: THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN. NOT IN REAL LIFE.

Saudi Arabia: Because Saudi is such an eclectic mix of different people of different nationalities, I am going to describe what little I know about Saudis and leave it at that. Women and men who are not related by family or marriage can't just hang out. It doesn't happen, especially in public. This means that dating does not happen in the way that it happens in other countries. Marriages are usually arranged and need to be accepted by the parents, especially the father. Women have expectations of a huge dowry and a guy who, again, looks good on paper. If women do not marry at a younger age, the older they get, the less of a chance they have to marry at all. These women are basically looked down upon (as they are in other countries, but here to a greater extent). Someone once told me that not getting married is "a sin" and "unIslamic" or something. And oh yeah, forget about sex before marriage. It happens, but if it does happen, things are done to hide it - I know "embroideries" exist here, as well as other means to hide a loss of virginity in women. Men don't have this same issue because of their physicality but they are sometimes caught due to the diseases they give their virgin wives.

Oman: I was young when I lived in Oman, and again the friends I had were of different nationalities and cultures, but I talked to an Omani girl recently who said the following: "I cannot wait to get married and hang out with the married women. We'll finally be able to find things to talk about! I want to shop with them and buy baby clothes with them. They have such experience in life, these women. I really want my mother to find me a nice guy. Of course, he should treat me well. That's important, too." The girl was really a girl - she was 13. I don't think this reflects on all Omanis, but I am sure she is not the only girl her age who thinks like this. There are women of different ages who definitely think like that, I assure you.

As cute as this cover is, um, yeah. YYYYYEAH. Women of different ages, indeed.

I think I have such a problem with this because I want to believe that I can have a fulfilled, happy life without the presence of a husband, partner, or children. Because I want to meet someone on my own, and I don't want anything arranged, I might never bump into the person who makes me want to live and grow old with them until our years have passed. If that does happen to me, I want to be able to live the rest of my life without feeling inadequate. I also don't want to lose my identity to another person if I do find someone I fall in love with. I want to be strong, independent, and happy forever, in more ways than just marriage or relationships.

The reason I am writing about all of this is because I have previously felt like I lost my identity to a partner. It was no one's fault but my own, and I never want to let that to happen to me ever again. Here, in this desert I am growing to accept, I truly feel that I have discovered one source of my unhappiness - that I forgot how to enjoy being on my own in my own company. When I was with them, I gave my heart completely to everything that would make them happy. It was selfless, but also self-damaging. I have since become very lost. Now, I want to get my heart back - not to hurt them, but so that I can love myself and rely on myself again.

Every woman and man should be able to say of themselves, "I have had a good, happy life. I am happy with what I have accomplished." So what if these men and women have not necessarily gotten married, or ended up with a significant other? I truly believe that true happiness is not found within the other person, but within yourself. That is what everyone should be looking for.

NOTE: All of these images were found randomly on Google image search or Bing (sometimes I like to switch it up!). Besides searching for Sarah Michelle Gellar, Bollywood and Desperate Housewives in particular, I found the rest by searching for things like: "women in love", "happy women", "love", and "romance."

Build me a Home in da Vinci's City

As you have probably learned from a previous blog post, I go to the gym and to the pool here in Riyadh so that I can stay sane. It's a pasttime that is good for my body and well as my mind, and I enjoy it. However, it seems that Riyadh truly has it in for me and wishes only for me to be miserable. Now, I am being blocked by something that I cannot just move away:

CONSTRUCTION.

In the compound I live in, there is CONSTANT construction going on. When will it cease? I wish I could take pictures and show you how much construction is going on near my villa, but I fear that'll be too risky. Please, just believe me when I say that the amount of construction in the proximity of my home has reached a new high!

For me to get to the gym, I used to have two options:

1. Walk on a sidewalk that made me walk around the back of the gym, near to some aloe plants and through a strange metal barrier that looks like it belongs near a stadium, not a gym. It's fast and usually people-free. It also has a large stretch of shade, which is better on certain unbearably hot, sunny days (i.e. every other day).

2. Walk past some tennis courts and over some ground covered in macadam to the livelier area of the compound. I'd go past the coffee shop and souvenir store, and right past the basketball court up to the gym. There are usually lots of people roaming around, and it's easy for me to stop at the supermarket for a pre- or post- gym Red Bull. I prefer this route.

Now, both of these options are basically gone. Let me tell you what has happened to each of them:

1. While I used to be able to just walk across my stone and sand-covered "lawn" to reach the sidewalk, there is absolutely no way across now. There are deep, big trenches being dug all around the sidewalk, blocking anyone's path. There used to be a slab of concrete that made a little bridge across the trenches, but now that slab has disappeared and instead the trenches are even deeper. There are piles and piles of dirt and sand on each side of the trench, making it pretty impossible for me to just jump over the wide gap. If I want to get back onto this path to the gym, I need to walk around all the trenches, which adds another couple of minutes to the walk. I also have to cut through someone else's "yard".

2. That macadam-covered ground is suddenly IMPOSSIBLE to get through. It is now covered with piles upon piles of tiny rocks. I don't know where they plan on spreading those piles, because I am telling you the piles are ENDLESS. I can't walk through them or around them, and walking on them is out of the question. First of all, someone would get mad; secondly, they made some poor labourer make those piles so I am not going to mess it up; and finally, have you ever TRIED walking on macadam piles? It's horrible! God forbid you decide to wear sandals that day because it will not work.

So now, what do I do? I have had to take path number 1 for a while now because path number 2 was a little bit longer, with a detour around an apartment building. Also, path number 1 at least has a shady area whereas path number 2 does not. As annoyed as I have become, I dealt with the change in routine and decided to just deal with it if I wanted to get to the gym.

However, I guess I will have to change everything and take that path number 2 detour around the building instead. Of course, my enemy named Construction gets in the way AGAIN!

Now, when I am walking on path number 1, underneath the shade, I walk through - guess what - more construction. There are now ropes and extension cords and metal scaffolding stopping me from walking in the shade. On my way to the pool today I had to walk around all of this, and guess what I met in my way? More trenches!! I had to make a long detour around everything in the sun, and walk right on the road. There was no sidewalk for me to use until later.

I made it there and back to my villa, but dear Lord, what is with all of this work? And it is not only the amount of work going on, or where it is, but when! There are workers outside during the hottest hours of the day. It's kind of sad because the hot sun hitting their face cannot be nice. At the same time, all of this is quite frustrating because I want to let them do their work, but it is because of their work that I cannot do simple things like go outside to the gym! Their contractors are really full of crap. Who makes people work during the hottest hours of the day?

I don't just see people working on construction in my compound. No, all over the city of Riyadh I see that evil construction. I see new buildings starting up everywhere, but I see that others are in the process of being built for years and years. Some of these buildings are never finished, either! And yet, still, new buildings keep being started. I have been here every summer for three years and still, there are some things that are not finished. Others have come to a complete standstill and who knows when or if they'll be started again.

What is the point of all this? If they cannot finish one building, why even try to build another? The sight of unfinished, grey concrete with lots of scaffolding isn't exactly appealing to the eye. And they are thinking of tourism in the Kingdom! They'd better start completing the city first!

I'd like to rename Riyadh. It's now, to me, the Unfinished City, a city where things start but never end, especially buildings. If they want to get tourism really going here in Saudi Arabia, maybe they should start thinking of advertising Riyadh as comparable to Leonardo Da Vinci's artwork. He never finished anything, either*!

Leonardo da Vinci, Adoration of the Magi - another work that is unfinished!

*Okay, he finished some stuff, but not that many!

Blade of the Eagle, Eagle of my Heart: Part II

In my last entry, I talked about video games, art, and Assassin's Creed. Today I am going to focus more on Assassin's Creed than on ideas about art. Instead, I am going to think a bit more about what Assassin's Creed might be doing to the perceptions people have about Arabs and Muslims.


What we see, especially in Western media, is a demonisation of a whole religion and race that started before but especially since September 11, 2001. A whole people, which includes several subgroups, are put under the umbrella of being a "security threat". This demonisation has spread to races like the peoples of Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, and beyond. All of them have been labelled as terrorists; dangerous to the wellbeing of Europe and the United States in particular. What does it then mean to have a game set in a time of Islamic prosperity and have a protagonist, who you control, that has ties to Muslims and Arab people?

It means that either the races and religions portrayed in Assassin's Creed are either going to be sympathised with or demonised to an even greater extent. While experiencing the game as I know it, and paying attention to things like speech and design, I have come to the conclusion that this game bridges a gap between religions and races. It does include watered-down versions of stereotypes, but in the end I do not feel that Muslims, Arabs, or other races and religions are specifically preferred. This is generally a good thing within the game. But what does Assassin's Creed to do the Arab/Muslim community, who are a minority in video games?

This is extremely important. To have a game that actually shows a minority as actual people with noble (and not so noble) aims is a way of saying that yes, this minority group is definitely capable of being seen and thought of in the same way as any other group of people. Aren't we able to understand Altaïr, the half-Muslim and half-Christian hero? Don't we feel a little warmth, at times, towards our Al-Mualim or the other assassins that we meet?

One of the most positive things about the game for people of Islamic or Arab heritage is when the game actually takes place. The time period that was chosen is one that many Muslims or Arabs recognise as a time of knowledge and prosperity. Then, Islam did not have the same meaning as it does now. Rarely are the scientific, literary, and other academic accomplishments of the Islamic medieval period exposed nowadays, and it is a pity. It is a nice reminder to those who know, and a nice eye-opener for those who don't, that there was a time when the Islamic world was at the forefront of the scholarly world. It brings a little pride to my heart, I must say.

The more controversial side to Assassin's Creed probably comes from our Altaïr, the hero.

Altaïr (or Desmond Miles) is treated as any other protagonist would be - what we see of him is that he is  physically attractive, he wears a cool outfit, and he is totally badass when it comes to fighting. He is strong, mysterious, and dark - things that are desirable to the young video game audiences of today. He is similar to the Prince of Persia but in a different time and place, with similar agility, foreign looks and nimble fighting style. He is reminiscent of other video game heroes with their strength and goodness of heart no matter what "side" they are on. And you, the person playing the game, is on the side of the assassin's guild, on the side of other darker-skinned, ethnically non-Europeans.

Of course, any issues that lie with Altaïr is not cosmetic. At least he isn't totally white - he looks the part, and although his accent is indeed American there is not much to argue about on that front (Some things will not change. If it was not an American accent spoken in that specific clipped manner, it'd be a British accent of some variant.). What we need to think about is Islamic or Arab culture. How does it manifest in our Altaïr?

Well, I am sorry to say that it manifests under the persona of a "noble assassin"; the guy who makes an effort to only kill those who deserve to be killed, but the one who is at the same time exceedingly deadly and feared. If you really think about it, isn't Altaïr the guy who you don't want at the airport? Isn't he still the guy who would get arrested in a second by security? Well, he is. I think that is kind of the point. He is exactly what security fears. We see the guy who looks and acts like he could kill a busload of people but instead we are actually pretending to be him and are given reasons for our actions.

But Altaïr does not crash a plane into tall buildings. Instead, he sneaks around, slitting the throats of wrongdoers. You see, you aren't a terrorist - you're a good terrorist! And you aren't a suicide bomber, but you'd be glad to do that leap of faith off a tall building because you do not fear death! Don't all Arabs or even half-Muslims now wish to be martyrs? You must have been brought up to deal with all of this pressure and fear. Isn't that just romanticising that which many Westerners are afraid of, so that maybe they can find some solace in this one noble man?

I worried and wondered about that for a long time. I mean, really, the only sort of Muslim protagonist who is engaged in a war of religion and power and well, he's a killer! But a good killer and that makes him a hero. That doesn't exactly ease my soul and make me feel safe and strong for the depiction of Muslims (or even half-Muslims) in the media. But then, I realised something - this might be as good as it is going to get. Desmond Miles and Altaïr may be the only guys of any Muslim heritage that make it into a good video game without becoming horribly twisted and satirised versions of a whole religion. In my point of view, this isn't so bad after all.


It is easy to be defensive and analytical about any characters of Muslim heritage in media because we are treated like garbage 90% of the time. We are either exoticised to such a great extent that it is unrecognisable, or we are pure evil. The women are beautiful and usually played by white women with tans. The Arab men are usually played by any race but Arab. When they are written about, either by novelists or screenwriters, they are bombers and terrorists, but rarely are they just normal people. Muslims can apparently never be normal people with ordinary lives.

Desmond Miles and Altaïr are not regular men who just happen to have ties to Islam, especially since they are heroes of a video game, but they might be the closest we Muslims (or Arabs) are going to get for now. We might as well be happy...right?

Blade of the Eagle, Eagle of my Heart: Part I

NOTE: This is a two-parter! While here I talk about video games, art, and Assassin's Creed, next I will be writing about Altaïr and Assassin's Creed as symbols of the Middle East.

I adore video games. I would gladly counter Ebert's statement that they are not art to his face, if he would let me. But let's forget about Ebert for a moment.


Photography, film, animation, and other new media forms are easily accepted as art. So why not video games? Are they not capable of higher analytical thought? Don't they suck you into a new world? Don't they make you think? I will answer only with this: Video games are on par with other art forms in terms of their aesthetic and analytical function.


When I saw the TV trailer for Assassin's Creed on TV when it was first coming out, my breath was taken away. They used Massive Attack's Teardrop, which is a gorgeous song in and of itself, and it mesmerized me and took my breath away. Can you imagine what the game itself would do to me? Well, I never actually played the game. I sat and watched someone else play it. The whole way through. I do that a lot, but I am not going to go into that. I have played many other games, right through from beginning to end, secrets and all. I just did not happen to own the game itself. I did play little bits of it, however.


Let's think about Assassin's Creed today. I am not going to venture into the sequel because I have not yet played it, although I heard my friends gush about it for a long time. It is a game set in the medieval Middle East. It is made by a Canadian company, Ubisoft Montreal*. The main playable character is named Desmond Miles, a bartender who is kidnapped and forced to relive the memory of his ancestor: Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad.


Altaïr is, to me, one of the most interesting protagonists in a game that is impressive in its multicultural atmosphere. You are in the great ancient cities of Acre (Akka), Damascus, Jerusalem and they are all shown in medieval glory, with their beautiful architecture. The Islamic lands during those times were more beautiful to me than any of their counterparts. It is a world that is incredibly detailed and beautifully rendered for its time (and still now, in my opinion). You do not experience this world as a tourist on a walk, but as an assassin, an exciting profession with the benefits of free-running and deadly attacks that no one else can notice.


How else, in this world, could you begin to have this type of experience? It's not something you can try. It isn't even something you might really want to do. But here, in this game, you are allowed to explore a world that was created only for you to experience it, but in someone else's skin. That is what video games are about. When there are good storytelling and detailed settings, video games are definitely doing what movies are so good at doing - sucking you in and making you care about something you might not have thought about otherwise.


Some people play games only for the competition or gameplay. However, I play games (or watch games) for the enjoyment of feeling closer to my character and the others, as well as the events portrayed - similar to the way I look at film. I play so that I can pretend, even for a moment, that I am in that manufactured setting making decisions based on my own reflexes and logic. This is a kind of immersion that film, 2D forms (such as paintings, drawings, etc.), or sculpture cannot give to us. You see, we cannot walk into a painting. We can walk inside a video game, programming permitted.


Playing/watching Assassin's Creed allows you to be an assassin with a deep, dark story behind him. You are also playing as his descendant. You are interacting with Al Mualim, the man who gives you orders and whom you must challenge. You are becoming a part of the story, like so many other people out there who bought/borrowed/stole the game.


How is this not art? All art forms encourage discussion and reaction - and yes, sometimes even direct interaction requiring your movement (see: Richard Serra and his huge sculptures). When you read literature, are you not involved with the events? Don't you have opinions? Some writers, in their novels, write in such a way that makes you feel like you are conversing with whoever is writing. Douglas Adams is an example, in my opinion. That is definitely interaction. Writing can also evoke emotions from within us, making us feel sorry, angry, or happy for what has happened to the characters.


Can you really tell me that there are no video games that do the same? I have cried while playing games just as much as while watching movies. I know that I am NOT the only one.


Okay, let's take a more visual example of art. How about paintings? A famous portrait by Vermeer is called Girl with a Pearl Earring. Thank you Wikipedia for the picture:

Look at her gaze. She is looking right at you, over her shoulder. What do those parted lips mean? Why is she looking at you? When Vermeer was painting, who was he painting it for? Is that who you are supposed to be; is she looking at her patron? What is that look in her eyes and what is she saying with it?

You decide the answers to these questions when you look at artwork in a museum. When you look at them in the context that they are supposed to be in, some of those questions are answered. If you actually knew the facts (like who the patron was and when it was painted) you can answer half of certain questions, but not everything. All art works have some sort of mystery behind them that allows you to become more involved with what is going on, if you allow yourself to think and ask the right questions. Because this young lady is looking at you, one thing is clear: the artist is allowing you to converse with her. She becomes real, if you decide to let her start that conversation.

In video games, we are not only given the aesthetically beautiful digital art, but we are also allowed to start our own conversations, literally. But what about these mysterious conversations, like with Vermeer's girl? Can they still happen? Of course they can.

If we look at Assassin's Creed again, think about this: it is up to you to finish every quest and make Altaïr more and more of a hero by saving people. Or, if you want, you can just let those side quests go. You are given free reign in how and whom to kill, as you are given the decision of which building you are going to climb up first and why. In some games, you are given even more free reign that develops your character in specific ways (think about the Fallout series, for example). Sure, you are given stricter guidelines in Assassin's Creed that other artforms may not give you, but the immersion is extensive and not available in any other art form.

The other example of an art form that allows you to literally take part in the action is acting/theatre, which is role playing. Again: there are usually parameters that make things challenging for everyone involved (e.g. a script, unless it is improvisational theatre). However, you are still thrown into an environment that you fully become a part of. When you are watching, it becomes a bit more like a movie. Sometimes, the audience does participate and usually you participate in this strange new world as yourself. Of course it is not exactly like a video game, but I think by now you might be understanding where I am going with this. It is that immersion that I keep talking about.

I love video games, and I will argue until the end of my life that they are definitely a means of expression that can be classified as art. Go ahead and shoot me, unbelievers. I'll be Altaïr while you make your arguments, and I will climb buildings and save people from hassling jerks on the old streets of Damascus. I will take my blade and slit the throats of evil Templar leaders while you tell me that DOOM is too ugly to be art. I'll take a tiny break between climbing buildings to tell you that I'm so involved in the game that I can't even hear you. And that, I believe, is what art should be doing - taking me far, far away.


But why would anyone, especially a Muslim girl staying in Saudi Arabia, wish to be a Templar-killing assassin? I'll tackle that one next time.

Cursed Shield of Protection +1

So here we go. I am going to write about something every woman who has contact with Islamic culture writes about. It's about damn time, too.

What do I wear here in Riyadh when I go out? This:

See? I didn't show my dumb face this time.

I cover with in abaya and scarf. I refuse to wear anything drab, though, so I chose an abayah with the most sparkle, or jigjig as we say in Kreol Moris. This one is from last year and I still wear it to go to the mall. I think it is beautiful and I enjoy wearing it.

When I first got to Saudi, I went to buy myself an abayah with flair and character. I needed to express myself even in my modesty and respect for Saudi and Middle Eastern culture. This is what I ended up choosing:

Well, of course I chose magician sleeves. They are cool. I still wear this one when I am walking around the compound. But do you see a difference here? There is no headscarf. This is because when I am in the compound, I don't feel the need to cover my head.

But why? Am I some kind of hypocrite? What is my problem?

When I was growing up, up to today, my Mom wore a headscarf. Instead of taking after my Mom and wanting to wear one when I grew up too, I despised it. I was very vain and I wondered how I could POSSIBLY live without showing my hair. I think, subconsciously, I was also ashamed of the hijab. I liked wearing trendy clothes like my friends and I didn't want to appear weird or different.

Today, I still do not cover my hair. I do not feel that it brings me closer to God. I do not think I am a bad person or Muslim. I follow the five pillars of Islam and I believe in Allah but I do not feel the need to wear the scarf.

Does this mean that I think women who do wear the scarf are wrong? Not even one bit. If you feel better about wearing the headscarf, about showing that you are Muslim visually, I absolutely respect it. In fact, I encourage Muslim women who venture into non-Islamic countries and who wish to wear their hijab to do exactly what they think is right. Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I am the best judge in the world.

The truth is, I have always believed that no matter what we say or do, only God is our judge. Who am I, or who are we, as human beings, to tell each other what is right or wrong? We have to do what we think is right. As long as we do things that do not hurt other people, or even better do things that help others, we should not be pestered by anybody out there.

I wear the headscarf in certain public areas because I know that there are people there, especially the men, who do not appreciate seeing a woman uncovered. As annoyed or as resentful as I may feel, deep down inside I know I am doing the right thing by covering my head because I am a) respecting a culture (not a religion!) and b) I could have less problems that way.

With my looks, which some mistake as Arab, and my name, people think/know that I am Muslim and they have given me a couple of lectures. I want to minimise lecturing by other people who think they are better than me, so yes, my hijab became protection. Not protection from leering men, they leer no matter what you wear, but protection from those who think they are so religious that they can dictate their beliefs to others as a command. I despise this. I nod my head and act polite, but I hate what they are doing.

Even when I wear the hijab and abayah, act silently and politely, and say Assalamualaikum with respect to everyone I meet, I still get lectures. When I say my salaams to women, some of them look at me and then turn away in visible disgust. I have gotten bad looks from people, especially women, and two grandiose speeches from women at the hospital I went to. Yes, I know they think that what they are saying is right.

However, telling me that "covering your face brings you closer to Allah - you will know it when you do it!" is not convincing. Instead of feeling inspired, I feel even more rebellious. Who are they to tell me I am not close enough with God? I read the Qur'an and the Qur'an is my guide - not any human being.

This is something that is wrong with Muslims all over the world, not just in Saudi (although yes, it is presented here in a very different way and it is given a label of "religion"). People think they have a right to tell people what to do - what to study, where to live, who to marry, etc. That is not right. You should not have laws or pressure upon you from your own friends or family to tell you how to live your personal life. Saying it is Allah's will is no excuse. If you believe in Allah, look in the Qur'an. Those are his words, and that is it. Everything else is a part of culture.

If you are a woman who wishes to cover your face, I am very respectful of that. I question France's motives on banning the burqa/niqab for whatever reasons they give. I feel very sorry for women who want to have professional careers in non-Islamic countries but who still want to cover because they are discriminated against for the wrong reasons.

However, I don't think that covering the face is necessarily a part of Islam. I think it has been used as a means of controlling people and I don't like it. If you are wearing it because you feel comfortable in it and it is a part of you, then you should go ahead and wear it and feel closer to God. I don't think you are hurting anyone by doing so and you are feeling spiritually better about it.

But if you are wearing it because your husband or father forces you, or because you were taught that women are sinners only by looking like the woman you are, then are you really wearing it for the right reason? I'm sorry, but my answer is no. That is not being closer to God: that is making you a victim of culture.



NOTE - I would personally like to thank the following articles for being inspiring to me. These women are excellent writers:

1. Time for a confession: I wore the face veil for eight years by Nadia El-Awady
This article gave me a good idea of women who want to wear the niqab or face veil because they feel it is genuinely right to do so. It also tells me about how sometimes you have to fight to wear whatever makes you feel right.
2. The French burqa ban by Saudiwoman
I may not be anti-choice about covering the face, but I respect Saudiwoman's opinion about the facial veil and was very moved.
3. The Saudi sixth pillar of Islam by Saudiwoman
This is a fascinating article about how women are treated in Saudi. It is further enriched with historical background, some of which I am still trying to find out more about.

Can you feel the rhythm?

Sitting on my butt in my villa on days that are way too hot to even think about going outside, I have no choice but to turn to the internet or to the television (or to a good book, but those are usually reserved for late nights). One channel I frequent is called Music Now, and is obviously what MTV once was (in terms of it ONLY playing music videos!), except for mostly Arabic music. There are some times of day where they play other stuff, but they are usually outdated and not nearly as fun as the Arabic stuff.

That is what I am going to showcase today. I am going to show you Arabian pop music! I have chosen from many, many songs, most of which I see repeatedly every time I go to the channel. It is funny but all the songs I think are my favourites or worth showing happen to be by artists from Lebanon! They really do dominate Arabian music nowadays, or at least this one channel that I happen to have. However, they all use different styles of music and have very different ways of expressing themselves musically.

Just a note: I do not know the meanings of any of these songs! Sadly, I cannot interpret a lot of what is going on. Also, a lot of these songs have credits before/after them. This is completely normal. It's like a mini movie, so I guess they feel the need to give credit where credit is due! It is very interesting compared to the no-nonsense, shortened radio versions of songs we get in the US. Another thing you will notice is that the videos always show very beautiful models whenever they can, and even list the modelling agency in those credits!

I'm sure you will see exactly what I mean, when we actually get to the videos! Here we are:

1. Myriam Fares - Eih Elly Beysahl



This lady is very, very beautiful and has a kickin' body. However, I used to really dislike her because I thought she was just copying Shakira all over the place. Even in this video, I see definite influences from the likes of Shakira and Beyonce in her dancing, but I have to admit that she has a style of her own. That table thing she does is awesome, and I absolutely love that weird jumpsuit thing that she wears on the motorcycle. I think she looks amazing in it. As for the song, I think it's a fun song that you could totally dance to. I know I dance to it! I don't get the racing theme, but hey, I really enjoy it and look forward to seeing it come up on TV.

2. Zain Al Omar - Domek Ya Albi



This video takes bloody FOREVER to start, so you might as well just skip to the 2:58 mark. YES, I am absolutely serious. And this is the version I saw on TV! However, I love the Latin feel to this song, and his crooning voice. He's absolutely adorable, too! I don't really get the meaning of the video, or what is going on in it, but who cares? The song is a lot of fun to salsa to. Even by yourself!

3. Diana Haddad - Azab el Hawa



I am sorry for the dumb ads that get in the way of the music video! It's the best quality video I could get on youtube! But anyway: I love Diana Haddad; she has a very different quality of voice and I have known of her since I was very little and living in Makkah. This song, I believe, is Hijazi style, i.e. the style of the Persian Gulf (Saudi, Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, UAE, etc). Her later albums apparently switched to this style which caused her to both gain and lose fans. She is Lebanese but grew up in Kuwait from what I understand, and she also has ties to the UAE, so this is an interesting twist. I think she is so elegant in this video, which I feel is very vibrant and different to other music videos I have seen recently. I would love to wear her dresses!

4. Rabih Baroud - Layl



Oh wow, this song. I call it the Baywatch video because he and the Hoff could compete with those tans. It is a very nice song on its own, but I think this video is hilarious. What a douchebag! There he is, flirting with everything he sees, even right in front of his lady, and he is just SMILING! What a jerk! I see nothing redeeming about the character he plays, but you know, the song is good enough so I put up with it. Rabih Baroud is actually a great songwriter who has written for quite a few famous singers. He's pretty talented. So why does he act like such a dick in this video?!

5. Nancy Ajram - Maashy Haddy



I put this here for purely comedic relief. It's cutesy visuals and strange sound effects totally work for me. I love it! But what is it about people who cheat in Arabic music videos? I actually see betrayal a LOT. However, this one is just silly and a lot of fun. I enjoy it. The song itself isn't exactly the best thing, but I still do a little buttshake dance when I hear it. Nancy Ajram herself is so famous here in the Middle East that I see her everywhere, on TV and the covers of every single magazine! It's amazing! She's very popular and I think I read that she was mentioned on Oprah or something. That's a pretty big deal because I don't think Oprah really talks about Middle Eastern pop music at all. I think that out of any Arab singer, Nancy Ajram might be the one anyone outside the Middle East might have seen. I mean really, here she is singing the Arabic version of one of the world cup songs, "Wavin' Flag":



At least this one has subtitles so you can understand something! Yay! And I LOVE that video. When I first saw it on TV here, I jumped out of my chair immediately and danced with the screen. It's so happy! I love seeing that waiter drop his tray.

Does Arabic pop music have anything different and new to offer? I think so. They have their own style which is influenced from so many places over the world, but they do have their very specific flavour that is purely Middle Eastern. I have not heard any songs from Western pop that sounds anything like these!

And in heaven there will be rivers of milk and honey

Saudi Arabia is known by many people as the country of prohibitions. It seems that the Kingdom is strict and uniform in its attempts to stop people from vices that are an everyday occurrence in other countries like the US or places in Europe - i.e., the "West." One of these things is, of course, alcohol. Having alcohol in any drinkable form in Saudi is against the law. Whatever happens in secret is no business of mine, but most people I know do not drink alcohol (but then again, I don't know many people here).

If you live in a country where alcohol is legal (for people of certain ages) and widely available, can you imagine a supermarket with no beers or wine coolers or whatever? A whole section of shelves and shelves would have nothing on them! Here, in Saudi, alcoholic drinks are replaced by many other things: fruit juices, soft drinks, flavoured waters, and…fake alcohol. Yes, on the shelves in the cold sections of the supermarket, I find non-alcoholic versions of Budweiser, things that look like those funny wine coolers, and wine. None of them have even a tiny bit of alcohol and most of them take their flavours from fruit.

Saudi Champagne is a very popular fake alcoholic drink. It is apparently a mixture of apple juice, grape juice, 7up, mint, and slices of orange and apple (and maybe grapes depending on who makes it). It is available at most restaurants and it tastes FANTASTIC. However, I knew there were others to be found in my local supermarket.

I decided today to be very, very brave. These drinks are notorious for being either delicious or extremely vile. I am going to sample 6 drinks, and because I am against being wasteful, if I can, I will drink the whole thing.

So here it is: the Burdened Mary samples weird non-alcoholic drinks! I am actually tasting as I type. This is going to be fun!

1. FREEZ: Grenadine flavour

The Look: Very...PINK! I chose this because of its crazy colour but also because I have high hopes for grenadine. This had better be good!
First Taste: Hmmm not too bad, actually! It tastes very sweet, and it definitely has that "authentic" artificial grenadine flavour. I think I could drink this by choice, but it resembles a much cheaper soda called Vimto that is readily available here. I might as well buy that instead, to be honest.
Final Grade: B+

2. Moussy: Pomegranate flavour

The Look: These malt drinks are probably familiar to those in the US and Europe. A lot of people drink these "malt beverages" and I know that my Dad is a big fan of this one. I've never tried it, so here we go!
First Taste: Ugh. It tastes like watered down medicine, and smells like it too. NOT a fan. It has a weird sour aftertaste in the mouth. I think I can finish it, but...ugh. Never again.
Final Grade: C-

3. HOLSTEN: Mango flavour

The Look: It really looks like a beer! It even has German writing on it, and a funky seal thing of a knight riding a horse. It also advertises that it is "imported"! Pretty impressive! Let's see if the mango flavour is any good. Like grenadine, I have some high expectations for that flavour.
First Taste: Okay, this is better than Moussy, but it has that weird malty aftertaste that I seriously don't like. The mango is wonderful, though, and I think that if I were drinking this ice cold, it'd be pretty good on a hot, hot day like today.
Final Grade: B

4. Cade: "Green" cocktail

The Look: I gotta admit - this one scares me! How GREEN can something be? Apparently, very green indeed. I've tasted the pink version of this drink and let me be honest with you: it was pretty nasty. Way too sweet for me to handle. I'm pretty worried!
First taste: I just drank apple. That's it. Sour apple candy in liquid, mildly fizzy form. I am absolutely pouring this one down the sink. Along with the Moussy.
Final Grade: D-

5. Non-alcoholic Budweiser

The Look: It looks...authentic-ish. It even says genuine on it!
First taste: It SMELLED like cat pee. It tasted HORRIBLE: like bread, cardboard, alka-selzter, and carbonated water all mixed together in some disgusting vat somewhere. OH LORD. Get this taste out of my mouth please! I am washing this down with some FREEZ right now. I cannot take another sip!
Final Grade: F-!

6. Non-alcoholic White Zinfandel

The Look: I'm serious. This exists. It's a huge bottle too, so it had better be good! This cost so much money compared to the others (it's actually not that much) that I really, really hope that it tastes awesome. Oh please, Gods of imitation-alcoholic drinks...be merciful. I can't take anymore!
First Taste: Well, guess what? I can't open it. I need a corkscrew! I don't have one! I guess they went the whole way with making this like a wine bottle. I'm kind of screwed for the moment, then. Sorry! The review of this one will just have to wait.
Final Grade: F+ for ME because I failed miserably. If this is fake wine, I should have known they'd go all out and make it fake wine, cork included!


All in all, this was a really fun experience. These drinks were mostly duds compared to fresh fruit juices or Saudi Champagne (I could really go for some right now!) but hey, it was all worth it. I'll just need to eat some delicious food to balance it all out. It works out for the best!

the Belle of the Bollywood

What movie did you first watch as a child? Miracle on 34th Street? It's a Wonderful Life? Or maybe you stuck to things like Home Alone or something animated and Disney-created. Do you remember your first major film star crush? Some of you probably thought of Hilary Duff while others would dream of Leonardo Di Caprio sneaking into their bedrooms late at night.

Did you ever have a weird fantasy while you were sitting in that boring math or science class, back when you were about 13 or 14, that that film star of your dreams showed up in the doorway and asked your teacher if he could "steal you for a few minutes" or some variation of that? I bet you did, but you don't want to admit it. If you think back to the fantasy of your celebrity heart-stealer, he or she would stand there looking as beautiful as ever, and they were asking the teacher for his or her permission. But really, they were looking at you. They were staring lovingly into your eyes, weren't they? Oh, yes they were!

I can remember my first big teenage heartthrob obsession. But no, he wasn't Leo or Corey or John or whatever. His name...was Shah Rukh Khan.

This is SRK in Chak De! India. What an awesome movie.

He's a Bollywood film actor who stole my heart all the way back when I was about 9 years old. I used to write cheesy letters to him in my diary, praising his dancing and acting talent while begging him to take my away from the world. Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing now, but back then my love for him was real. It was true and it could never be taken away from me!

I was a very melodramatic child. I've said that before, haven't I? But here is some more proof!

I wasn't just obsessed with Mr. SRK. I was obsessed with Bollywood in general. Back when I lived in Oman, I had access to numerous Indian channels like Channel V, Zee TV, MTV India, Music Asia, etc. I watched them all the time, and recorded (with the help of my sister) several video cassette tapes of music videos, promo spots for various Bollywood films, and all kinds of random stuff. I also used a ghetto way of recording songs onto little blank music cassettes so I could perform my little Bollywood dance routines to my songs. I was so glad that I had my own room for that.

I knew about everything Bollywood at the time. I knew which films were copies of Tamil films, I knew every actor and which ones were previously supermodels, I knew who each playback singer was and how they came to fame; I knew everything. I especially knew about Shah Rukh Khan and every single movie he made. I cheered him on even if I knew the movie was terrible (like with Baadshah. SRK, how could you do this?). He was my favourite actor and no one could top him. No one. And he was so handsome.

But even before living in Oman, which had a large Indian and Indian-Omani (i.e. Omanis whose ancestors were from India) population, I knew Bollywood. However, I didn't know these new stars and movies. I knew about the superhits of the 50s and 60s, and maybe the 70s if it was a famous enough film. Due to Mauritius and its Indian heritage, my Mother was exposed to Bollywood forever ago. My Dad picked it up from her, and I as a little baby Khadeja watched whatever movie was in front of me. Some of those films happened to be old black and white Bollywood movies.

Out of all of the movies I watched as a kid that were not Disney animated films, Bollywood is what stuck in my head - especially Raj Kapoor's golden era.

Raj Kapoor is the guy on the right who looks like Charlie Chaplin. Everyone who was grown up with the image of Charlie Chaplin places firmly in their minds sees the connection, but I didn't for a very long time and to be honest, I still don't. Instead, whenever I see Charlie Chaplin, I think immediately of this image of Raj Kapoor. When I see this image, I hear the soundtrack to the movie. I even remember what scene this was.

I could write a whole entry about this man and how much he has contributed to my life, but this time I won't. Instead I will tell you that it is his films and his characters that made me love film and Bollywood in the first place. Shri 420 is a meaningful and beautiful film that shaped my way of thinking (that is where the image is from). That is why Bollywood will always be in my mind. I may not be from India, but mera dil hai Hindustani. Thank you, Raj Kapoor.

Whenever I am here in Saudi, I find myself (usually) with great access to Bollywood films in stores like my grocery store or the previously-mentioned Jarir Bookstore. This year, however, I don't see them anywhere. Bollywood has disappeared. I don't know the reason, but what I do know is that Bollywood is not completely gone from my grasp. Just today, I got a few movies from a friend who knows where to go, probably a place I could never go myself. All I know is that tonight I am going to be watching My Name is Khan, finally! You can try to take Bollywood away from me, but I'll find a way. I am very pleased.

Bollywood is, to me, even more accessible to the world than Hollywood is. Everywhere I go outside of the US, I meet someone who knows the tunes of Shankar-Jaikishan or the films of Hrithik Roshan. Bollywood has reached every end of the world. But strangely enough, only now is Bollywood beginning to become some kind of strange, kitschy fad in the US. They like the music and the movies because they think it is strange and over the top, kind of like a drag show. People have Bollywood parties and take Bollywood-esque dance classes; I find it really belittling. I shake my head and I don't understand how they can get away with it.

I like the films for what they are. I like the charming actors and beautiful actresses and songs and dance routines and colours and melodramatic speeches that seem to come out of nowhere. That is the way I experienced films as a child.

The way that certain people twist Bollywood is not something I ever want to be a part of. I don't take every Bollywood film too seriously, but I acknowledge the meaning and morals that each film is trying to produce. I cry at every tearjerking moment, I laugh at every single joke, and even if most people think it is very unrealistic, I have only once response for you as I wipe away my tears of laughter or sadness:

Yeh hai Bollywood, yaar! What more do you want?

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Some movies I recommend, in no particular order:

1. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
2. Mission Kashmir
3. Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
4. Dil Chahta Hai
5. Chak De! India
6. Veer-Zara
7. Shri 420
8. Awaara
9. Madhumati
10. Bobby

The Zahir (not, this time, by Coelho)

In past entries, I have made some allusions to my past self. I have talked about how I liked cats better than people and how it is hard to shake off that hatred for humanity I once had.

I wondered recently what it might have been like should I have stayed the way that I was years ago. I decided that today I would try to write from that Khadeja's point of view; the Khadeja that was so angry and upset and unable to deal with human interaction without beating herself up or getting angry inside. I will try my absolute best to display what I think she might be experiencing were she in my place today.

---

I'm am one of the lost. I have no idea what to do. I've been listening to the soundtrack of How to Train Your Dragon for days now, and nothing else. That movie really understands me. I know what it's like, not being up to everyone's standards. I just wish I could have told Hiccup that you don't need to be what your Dad or what your town wants you to be. I never want to become what everyone else desires! They don't know anything about my or what is inside my head. They can't tell me what to do and I will never let them.

They don't understand that I have dreams that are mine and I don't really feel like telling them. Why the hell should they know? Just because they are family? That's no excuse. I don't give a shit about family. Friends are the people who are really important. They are the ones who are closer to understanding. I get to choose who my friends are and that is the way it should be. But sometimes I think my own friends don't know. They can't even tell what is going on with me half the time. I don't want to have to tell them myself. If they really wanna know about me and what is happening, they had better ask. I shouldn't have to tell them. It's written on my face.

Right now, they should know that I am sitting in this shithole of a place, worrying about what to do next. There is just NOTHING here for me! Why did my parents force me to come here? I can't believe how selfish they are. I couldn't even stay in the US during the summer. Don't they understand that I hate it here? I have no friends, and I am in a totally different time zone so I can't even talk to the people I really care about. Don't they get it? I hate it! Get me out of here, God, if you have any tiny bit of love left in you.

God must have looked at me at birth and thought, "What a fucked up kid." If he is really merciful, he'd have followed that statement with "I hope she ends up okay." These days I think he followed it with "Too bad!" or "How fucking hilarious." That's what I think I am - a stupid, scary joke created by a merciless God. I got my undergrad degree now, but who gives a shit? I don't even know what the hell I want. He made me so didn't he do this to me? There is nothing left for me now, so isn't it his fault? But if he doesn't exist - and he probably doesn't because God is supposed to be watching over you and caring about you and helping you if you have done nothing wrong - then whose fault is it? Probably my parents. Or maybe it's just me.

I did all of this to myself, didn't I? I can't blame it on God or my parents. I can't blame it on other family members or friends. This is all because of me. I don't have anything to look forward to for the rest of my life because of me.

Okay so I might have a place to live, but will I even like Cambridge? I've never even been to Massachusetts in my whole life. What if I hate it there like I hated everywhere else? I've never been to a country I like. Except for Hungary and the Czech Republic, those places were amazing. Then again, I was with some amazing people at the time who actually made me feel good. I would do anything to be back there. I hate Saudi, and I hate Mauritius, and I bet I'll be going back here or there for the rest of my life the way things are going. I am so trapped. I have screwed up my own life beyond belief. No one likes me. I think my friends can't stand me. I don't have anybody who understands.

I know I am 21 and I should really grow up but sometimes I wish that I had a Hiccup in my life, somebody who really gets what I am going through. I don't have anybody. When I try to tell people that something is wrong with me, they tell me that I am just doing this to myself, or they yell at me. Yeah, I remember when I got yelled at because I told the school counsellor. Who else was I supposed to tell? I don't have anyone else!

I tried to help myself but nothing is going away. Should I really go to Massachusetts? Should I stay in Saudi, where I will just rot to death? I don't think I could make it here. I think I'd rather die. I don't care if I go back to the God who thinks I am a joke, who created me with absolutely no happiness, who left me all alone with this family and all these people who don't know me at all. How could he do this to me? What kind of an asshole is this God?

What can I even do with my life? I know how to be a bitch to people, but that's it. Maybe I should be a police officer. Maybe I should work for an SPCA somewhere and kick the asses of people who hurt their animals. And fuck, I'd do it too. I'd probably go to jail for hurting another human being, but they all deserve it. You fuck with an animal and I find out about it, and you fuck with me. Sometimes I think I should have been a vet but I think it is way too late now. I'm not smart enough either. I'm a dumb shit with a crappy GPA, crappier than I could really obtain, because I fucked college up so much. It's not my brain, it's just me. I could have done better. Why didn't I do better?

I can't believe I did all of this. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't have any reason to be like this. Why can't anyone see what is happening to me? I am turning into a monster. No one else is like me; everyone else has a future and a path to walk on. Why do I feel like I am pushing through thorns?

I have no future. I have no hope. I should just die.

--

I know it all seems very dramatic and over-the-top...but that is how I was. I didn't really act melodramatic in person, but in my head was a theatre with acts comparable to Greek tragedy. It was full of pain, and angst, and overall sadness. I felt for so many years like I had nothing to offer anyone.

Am I the same? No. Instead of feeling sad, I feel scared a lot of the time. I think that has been better for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am scared for my future so I want to act on it. My life has taken on the raw decision of fight vs. flight - my stimuli make me want to fight against the odds, or run away. Is that really better? I think it might be. It is taking me a while to get used to, though.

That Khadeja was so depressed she couldn't see the light at all. She had friends who truly loved and cared about her. When she broke down and felt her worst, her friends would have been there to help her if she gave them a chance. Her parents also loved her and wanted what was best for her the whole time. And no matter how stupid she felt, she actually got into all the universities she applied to for her undergraduate degree. She even got into the University she wanted for her graduate school diploma. Even then, she still felt incapable of taking her own life into her hands. Instead of excitement for a new life, she felt the burden of new responsibilities.

I cannot lie to you and tell you it is all over now and that I am all better. However, even these two weeks in Riyadh have made me understand that although I have important decisions to make, I can relax and I can stop worrying and finally that I can deal with all of this. My education in upstate NY taught me a lot and I gained a foundation of experiences and knowledge that I can genuinely use. No matter what I say, I did not get a useless undergraduate degree. However, it could not teach me everything about myself. That is for me to do, not for an educational institution.

Riyadh is a desert, but it is also a deserted place. Maybe I need to have this open, empty desert to myself to look inside my heart and see what it is I truly desire. Only then can I really make these life-changing decisions.

If in the middle of the desert, I am without company, food, or water, who do I talk to in this drunken state of delirium? Myself. Finally, under the burning sun and sand-filled air will I be able to ask myself the most important questions, which will then bring forth all of the essential answers.