A Burdened Internet Family

I realise that I have mentioned my family in bits and pieces, but most of you really do not know them. Let me try and help you learn more about them, using the allegory of...the Internet.

I have two older sisters. My eldest sister is an extremely efficient search engine, like Google. Her talents lie in her resourcefulness. Ask her a question about anything, and she'll be able to find it. If she cannot find it herself (which is rare) she'll know exactly who to ask. She's a travel agent, a vacation planner, and job finder all in one. If you need something, she is definitely the person to ask, because she knows how to get all the information you need. If you are a Bourdieu person, she has much cultural and social capital!

My other sister is more like a site from the ICanHasCheezburger network. When she enters the room, she says "O HAI" and is always there with a piece of randomness to share - and she is always willing to share it with everyone! She is random, quirky, and popular. She is a social butterfly and enjoys meeting all kinds of new people wherever she goes. She is viral, like those LOLCats, EPIC FAILs, etc. as she involves herself with every person she gets in contact with. She'll pick up on what she think you'll like, and has something to make you laugh.

My parents are different. My Mom is a fiery ti piment as we say in Kreol, so I would say that she is a political opinion blog, with strongly worded critiques on current events. Despite her small size, she makes herself heard! She sticks by her beliefs and does not change her stance easily, asking many questions before either silencing you or finally acquiescing. She becomes impassioned very easily and can switch from sweet to spicy in a second! 

My Dad, on the other hand, is totally FanFiction.net - if FanFiction.net weren't a horribly cheesy site with terrible, terrible writers. The reason I say this is because my Dad is one of the biggest fanboys of all time. From H. P. Lovecraft to J. R. R. Tolkien, my father loves a certain fictional universe and fixates on it like any true nerd would. He may not actually write fanfiction, but he is a display of his fandoms and obsessions. I would also say he is a Wikipedia only for the fact that his memory contains a lot of data about the weirdest of things, however his information is mostly based on the things that he loves.

So there you have it. My family, in terms of the internet. I thought and thought about what site I could be, and well, I think I am Twitter. I'm no wealth of information, nothing like that, nor do I spew what other people tell me, but I am just a person who enjoys listening and reading what others have to say or show me. I'm a receiver of information that may be forgotten tomorrow, but a few noteworthy things might remain in my memory. I also tend to speak in short bursts (haha). But, well, how would I know? Maybe you would be a better judge.

The Photography of Why

I noticed that it has been a while since I have put up some pictures. I am very selective and careful in what photographs I choose to show you, my dear readers, so I am usually extremely reluctant. However, the time feels right.

I have made a point to take pictures of the compound I've lived in every summer for about 3 years. Here are a few of the photos I have taken with some accompanying thoughts:

A view of construction in the distance. 2am

Since the start of this visit, I have been unable to sleep before at least 3am. There were a couple of nights where I took medication that forced me to sleep early, but I still woke up after 1 in the afternoon. One insomniac night I went outside to look at the stars. One thing you'll know about Riyadh is that you can barely see stars due to the insane amount of construction. Right outside my villa, this is what I see beyond the trees - lights upon lights on some skeleton of a building that has been in the process of being built for as long as I can remember. If I ever come back to Riyadh, I am sure new buildings will still be under construction, causing the power in villas to be cut and the noise pollution and sand to drive people to insanity.

View of sky from undulation in wall. Afternoon.

I used to make excuses during the day to go to the small supermarket in my compound because I was desperate to get outside the villa. I would go to buy cookies, gum, or anything else I could think of. On one such trip, I looked at the buildings and noticed that despite their lackluster architecture, I enjoyed running my hands over the texture of the walls and standing within the strange pits that are part of the design. I looked up at the sky and thought...what beautiful lines! What interesting juxtaposition of textures! This is the only way this brown, dirty-looking thing could look beautiful - and it did.

Greens. Afternoon, reaching sunset.

Randomly dispersed throughout the compound are beautifully planted trees and walkways. I have never seen anyone use them and on this late afternoon, I felt very weird walking through them. Aren't they made for walking through? Then again, this is a desert. I feel weird because I know lots of money was spent making a desert look green, and not just a desert, but this compound which doesn't even have that many people in it. Also, no one walks through it, as I said before. I, personally, do not enjoy walking through a waste. And that is exactly what it is.

An empty lot. Same late afternoon.

Once upon a time, there used to be red and orange crawltubes for children to play in. One of the only home videos we had included footage of my sisters crawling through them in the hot sun. Now, the little play area is gone and all that is left is this lot, which is next to the green of those trees I posted above. Who knows what they will end up doing with this - or if it will ever be looked at again. It's very The Dragon in My Dreams-esque to me; I don't really like looking at this empty lot. I saw the red and orange pieces dismantled a previous summer and it irked me even though I only remember watching the video of its existence. I don't remember actually playing in it.

When I take photos of anything and I look back at them, the most pleasure I get is remembering what is was like taking the photograph; where I was, who I was with, and what I remember of my thought process while aiming the shot.

The best photos are the ones that give me the most vivid ideas of what was going on in my mind. I can sometimes be proud of what the picture actually looks like in the end, but mostly, I like to remember why I took the photo in the first place. I guess this is why I enjoy conceptual art so much. As someone who desires to capture moments in time before I feel like they disappear forever, it is the abstract and not the physical that I need in order to fulfill my nostalgic desires.

Computer Games, Choices, and So On...

I sat down on my bed, my darling laptop in front of me, and I knew that I would be writing about video games today. I am no reviewer, nor have I ever tried. I like to analyse things, however. Sometimes, I even over-analyse! Here, let me show you...

There are many games on my computer that are left unfinished at the moment. This is due to a lack of time, but here in Riyadh, I have no excuse - especially now. All the cargo has been taken away, the house is practically empty and there is even less to do than before. My Dad and I are the only ones awake and I don't wish to disturb him because he's reading an autobiography on his Kindle. I know better than to detract attention away from a good read.

So, basically, I cannot count on anyone else to make my life fun for me. This would be a perfect opportunity to play a game! Now I need to look at my choices. The following games I have right now which are unplayed/unfinished are:

1. Prince of Persia
2. Fallout 2
3. Dragon Age
4. Plants vs. Zombies
5. Peggle Nights
6. Osmos
7. Cortex Command
8. Braid
9. Smuggle Truck (Beta)
10. Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition
11. Diablo II with the expansion pack
12. A House in California
13. Digital: A Love Story

HOLY MACKEREL! I have many games to choose from! Why aren't I playing any?

When you have many things to choose from, you tend to not choose anything. Well, okay, let me change that sentence, because not everyone has this issue. When I have many things to choose from, I tend to not choose anything. As much as I would enjoy playing a game, I just don't know where to start. Shall we try to narrow the list down together? Well, okay, how about you just read through my process?

First of all I am going to cut a few names from the list because I do not have a mouse and I would rather sit and play a game on my bed rather than at a desk anyway:

1. Prince of Persia

2. Fallout 2

3. Dragon Age

4. Plants vs. Zombies

5. Peggle Nights

6. Osmos

7. Cortex Command

8. Braid

9. Smuggle Truck (Beta)

10. Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

11. Diablo II with the expansion pack

12. A House in California

13. Digital: A Love Story

Playing those games without an external mouse would be terrible for my already threatened hands!

Now, let's cut out games that I do not enjoy whatsoever or that I have played to the point where I just don't feel like it anymore. This requires very little thought!

1. Prince of Persia

2. Fallout 2

3. Dragon Age

4. Plants vs. Zombies

5. Peggle Nights

6. Osmos

7. Cortex Command

8. Braid

9. Smuggle Truck (Beta)

10. Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

11. Diablo II with the expansion pack

12. A House in California

13. Digital: A Love Story

I almost crossed out Peggle Nights, but the truth is that it is a lot of fun when I am not exceedingly frustrated by it. I've been playing it in order to achieve Ace Scores on every screen and, well...I have not been successful. It is a challenge and objective I want to conquer, but recently I have not been playing well! Perhaps I need something different. Actually, let me cross out Plants vs. Zombies, too. Although I love playing Dr. Zomboss's Revenge over and over, how about I go for something new?

After crossing out those two, this is what I have right now:

1. Prince of Persia

2. Fallout 2

3. Dragon Age

4. Plants vs. Zombies

5. Peggle Nights

6. Osmos

7. Cortex Command

8. Braid

9. Smuggle Truck (Beta)

10. Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

11. Diablo II with the expansion pack

12. A House in California

13. Digital: A Love Story

This looks much better now. Fallout 2 is a game I have played over and over and yet never been able to finish for many different reasons - a weak main character, stupid choices I cannot undo, or lack of time. Set in a post-apocalyptic US, I cannot help but see parallels to my own life and certain places I have visited. I wonder what other region has a slave trade (well, practically), bright lights in certain areas and complete desert in others, with strange "cults" along the way? When I think about Vault City and how insane it is to get in, get out, or become a Vault City citizen, I cannot help but chuckle and think of Saudi Arabia. With all of its bureaucracy and visa garbage, Vault City doesn't seem so exaggerated; like a caricature. Yes, I could play Fallout 2 here in this insane place. I'll probably find myself relating to it a little too much!

The Secret of Monkey Island is a fantastic game. I remember playing the original version years ago, in Mauritius, on my Mom's new Mac - the one she received from my Dad for their 25th wedding anniversary. Isn't that sweet? I think it is. Well, anyway, I've been wanting to play this game for a while. I love Dominic Armato's voice acting and I would love to hear it. I have to be honest with you though - the older point and click game system, with the different commands and so on, confuses the heck out of me. That's why I have been so hesitant to play it - I wonder if I can handle it and find it enjoyable now! Maybe it is worth trying, despite having been spoiled by the newer adventure game systems.

A House in California and Digital: A Love Story are two indie games I downloaded for free thanks to this. I've barely touched them since I downloaded them even though they look absolutely awesome. From what I understand, A House in California kind of uses the system I mentioned before of older point and click adventure games (think Sierra). The game is used as a story-telling medium and I think you are supposed to make each of the different characters remember things about their past. It's extremely intriguing and looks fantastic on screen. I haven't even opened Digital: A Love Story and only downloaded it because the interface looks really interesting; it's supposed to make you feel like you are using a computer from the 80s. That actually sounds pretty fun!

So what should I play, in the end? The list is narrowed, and the decision is made only slightly easier. 

1. Fallout 2

2. Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

3. A House in California

4. Digital: A Love Story

I need to narrow it down more. So, what am I feeling? Maybe that will help me figure this out. I know right now that I would like to play something with some humour. I'm bored, and I need something entertaining, but not mindless. I'd like to be taken into a new world.

As cool as A House in California looks, I don't think I can deal with a game about memory. Right now, there is a theme of memories in everything I do and, well, I think I need a break.

Fallout 2 and Secret of Monkey Island are amazing games, but I know them too well. I need something new, and refreshing.

I guess my decision has been made. Digital: A Love Story, it is! It is now open, and the first thing I can say is...whoa. It looks fantastic, and the music is awesome and ambient. Let's hope the navigation and story is decent! If it isn't, well...I have a lot more to choose from.

Move It (On Up): A Basic Psychoanalysis

So today is moving day. The cargo dudes have come to take all of our boxes.

I've had to go through this many times but I cannot remember any of the previous instances. It's as if one day all of our boxes, filled with all of our treasures, just...went away. They always showed up in the next place and I never felt like I lost anything. I don't remember having to sort my things out, pack, or see the people pick up my boxes. It's all blank tape, all static in my head.

Whenever people have asked me if it is hard to move from one place to the next, I don't really have much to tell them. My shrugs make it seem to them like I have gotten used to it, or that I am not very effected by it. Maybe they think I enjoyed the process of entering a new life somewhere else, and that it is easy for me to let go of the place that I had lived in. That is definitely not the case.

I think my memory saves me from the difficulty of the moving situation. I believe that my brain forces painful thoughts into a place where it is hard for me to reach. I believe my body does it for my own safety, because it would be another set of Hellish memories for me to have to deal with.

Back in 2005 or 2006, during my International Baccalaureate years in Mauritius, I took Psychology and learned about that dreadful Freud character and his defense mechanisms. This is one of the few areas where I felt I could understand and relate to his theories, probably due to the fact that it could also be explained cognitively or biologically. Our bodies do what is best for us; what is necessary in order to survive.

In terms of Freud the Jerk's defense mechanisms, I am a subject of repression. I know this for a fact. Why else would there be gaps in time within my memory? Why is it that I do not remember things that I know, for a fact, happened?

When memories and moments of your life have been repressed, they don't just disappear. The thing is, they leave a footprint, and it's a pretty deep footprint in the sands of my mind. The events themselves may not stick, and it is difficult for me to retrieve them (if I would ever want to). However, they still effect me. The emotional imprint impacts things that I do in my everyday life.

This is why every time I need to pack things, I become the world's biggest procrastinator. I never, ever want to pack and I consider it to be tedious. Putting off the job for as long as I feel I can makes it disappear for a time, and I can remain comfortable. It was not until yesterday, the day before the movers came, that I could force myself to do what I needed to do to.

I don't only procrastinate during big moves from one country to the next. I procrastinate packing in general when it comes to packing things to go just about anywhere: when I have to leave for the summer, when I am going on a quick trip to visit family for a weekend, even to go to class that afternoon. I hate putting things in bags and suitcases and boxes. It becomes a stress every single time and I would rather do anything than put my things away.

I like my stuff out in the open. I like my clothes on a chair, not in a closet. I enjoy disorder, and I hate the idea of having multiple storage compartments in my room. My dream home and room doesn't include storage units. I seem to always forget them and now I am beginning to understand why. It isn't about having things on display - it's about keeping them out of containers. I don't want things enclosed. I even hate things like schedules and timetables, those metaphorical boxes that organise my time and life. They upset me more than I'd like to admit.

Could it be that all of these feelings, all of these preferences, stem from my trauma of having to leave one place? The ritual of putting things away to be shipped affected me enormously, and I know it. I know it even though I don't remember exactly why. This is the best explanation I have for it. Repression has shaped my life and has created behaviours that I barely think about. For many years, it has just been "my way" no procrastinate. I don't think that is a sufficient explanation anymore.

As much as it irritates me to say it, Freud had a few things right. He was awful to study and I'm glad I will never get to meet him during my lifetime (he'd be glad too, believe me) but he has given me the tools  to explain why I am the way I am. Maybe if I meet him in the glorious afterlife, my swears, punches and kicks won't be so harsh.

What I am doing right now, in some odd way, is making sure I don't forget what I am feeling and going through right now. I'm sure that over the next few months, once I have gone back to the US and started my grad school life again, I will not spend time thinking about my move and how it went. That will allow me to forget and I don't want that. I've even taken pictures of the chaos that existed in the villa with all of its boxes.

Yes, my brain is doing me a favour and hey brain, thanks, that's pretty cool. However, just this once, I want to keep this memory. I want to acknowledge that right now, I am unhappy and annoyed and stressed and I will continue to be until the movers are done and gone with our boxes.

Leaving this place is significant to me. I don't want to lose any of it.