Maybe my expectations of them are very high. Maybe it is because I never had very supportive role models. I don't really know...my parents are pretty nice, and other relatives have been really good to me, so why shouldn't they inspire me in some way? Well, most of the time, even with people I really like, I find that either a) they look down on me, or I feel that they do, or b) they do something that makes me realise just how human and broken they are...just like me, really!
I hope I don't sound like a horrible person who doesn't like anyone. I used to be like that - as a teenager, I hated authority. I went through that phase when you are a teenager and you hate everyone and everything even fi they are trying to help...except, well, this phase lasted from before I was a teenager and lasted for way too many years. I don't know who or what to blame except myself and maybe my bipolar disorder. I was seriously depressed and saw no hope in anyone or anything. Now, I see hope within the goodness I know exists within people. Yes, I said goodness. I may have just told you about how I think humans are flawed, but I didn't yet tell you the other side of things.
I think people can be really, really good. I think they can be worth your time and effort to save, support, and love. I hope I believe that forever because not too long ago, I didn't feel this way. I have only just recently understood that other people are worth my time if I just give them a chance. I hope people who I have misunderstood in the past have forgiven me for my younger years. I did not treat some people well.
Very recently, I realised that I needed to cut some people some slack. I needed to open myself up to them because I had been very unfair. I used to be so closed; I never told anyone what was going on in my head and heart but I still expected them to bear with me, be my friend, and deal with all of my mood swings and moments of anger. I never told them why I was feeling the way that I was. I didn't really know why, but I could have at least said something like that. Then, maybe I could have stopped myself from digging myself into a deeper hole of depression. The truth is, although I did not like people in my earlier years, I needed them more than I would let them help me. What a terrible way to live! But I lived that way. With all the moving, the shifts in relationships, and hormonal garbage, I was also unable to like people. I am sure many people have felt that way in their lives, and with certain popular media (like Daria or even Buffy for examples) I started to understand that the loners or the people who felt they were alone were not so few and far between.
It really is due to movies, music, and theatre that I understood human nature. Isn't that strange? Isn't that just wrong? But it is the truth. As I sit here, in my bedroom, in the villa in the middle of the goddamn desert, I realise just how important popular, commercialised media has been in my development. Sure, I am sure it has screwed me up a lot - I know it has, especially in terms of my body image - but it has given me stories to escape real life, but also to understand how important friends and family are to me. And yes, I find this out in the middle of the desert of Saudi Arabia, where - guess what - I am ALL ALONE.
Isn't that great?
I don't want to leave this entry without saying that while I have found it very hard to be inspired by actual people, there are a few who have really broken through my dumb, antisocial, human-judging shell to make me believe that they are extraordinary and worth looking up to. There are a few personal examples of people I have met, but now I am going to talk about a woman who is famous for, as I believe, the very wrongest of reasons. She is:
Okay, so you think, "so what, Khadeja? Every damn artist blabs about their own philanthropic work on their website. They just like to BLAB. Why should I care about their narcissistic garbage?" So you need something else? How about some news items?
- Shakira meets the President-Elect of her country for like, an hour to talk about creating a better Colombia. Have YOU talked to your President lately for like, an hour? Yeah.
- Shakira started a cool, awesome foundation. Have YOU changed lives lately by trying to give children education? HAVE YOU?!
- Shakira is in talks to make a debut in Bollywood. Oh my GOD, I want to make MY debut in Bollywood! Lucky Shakira! (Okay, maybe this is not even going to happen, but...I can dream, right? ohmygodthisissoawesome!!!)
- Shakira is a Unicef goodwill ambassador. Sure, a lot of celebrities are, but I think any celebrity that tries to use their power and influence to help other people is great.
- Shakira spoke at Oxford Union. Do you know where that is? Oxford University. Look, I am not interested in Oxford because I think it is a stuffy, rich people oriented school. But if you go and take a look at the people who have spoken at Oxford Union before Shakira, you'd probably be impressed. Shakira is following in the steps of people like the Dalai Lama, or Mother Teresa. The Dalai Lama, guys! I mean, damn:
Check it OUT, guys. I love this woman. I think Shakira is worth admiring, for the work she does around the world as well as her music. Yes, I love her music too. A lot of people think it is brainless, or dumb, or that her lyrics are stupid...but you know what? I don't care. I love to dance to her tunes. I like to shake my booty along with her fantastic hips. I sing along to her Spanish AND English lyrics with pride and happiness. Shakira makes me genuinely happy and yes, I look up to her. I hope that I can help someone and touch their life even half as much as Shakira has.
So, when I am left alone in the house when my parents both go to work and so serious things, I put on my Shakira-sponsored WAKKA WAKKA t-shirt (that I bought from MANGO in Granada Mall here in Riyadh, I'll have you know) and shake my thang.
This time for Africa!
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